What if I’m scared of therapy?

If you've ever been vulnerable with another person only to get coldness, indifference, or viciousness in return, you can probably understand why therapy feels scary to some people.

The internet is full of stories of therapists emotionally injuring their clients, falling asleep in sessions, forgetting something crucial after weeks of talking about it, or suddenly disappearing with no explanation. Not to mention that many of my clients come to me with their own stories of being misunderstood, disrespected, or forgotten.

Ultimately, I am a stranger, and so is every other therapist you meet for the first time. It is healthy for your brain to recognize us as such.

Go as slow as you need to.

It is more than okay to tell a therapist, "I'm not ready to talk about that yet."

Sometimes in therapy it is easy to get into a mindset that all you have to do is retell your story, be brave enough to endure the pain, and eventually it will be over.

You don't need more pain; you need safety, and safety takes time.

So tell your therapist you need more time. Tell them you need to go slower. Tell them if you leave a session feeling scared, disoriented, or unable to do the things that matter to you.

What if my therapist says something that hurts me?

If I am your therapist, the truth is that one day I will probably say something that hurts you.

Despite my best efforts, I am human, and I am flawed.

Just as likely, I might hurt you through no fault of my own. You might read judgment on my face when there is none, or the words I say may sound too much like those of someone who harmed you before.

What makes this different is that I can hold your anger and your frustration.

You can tell me you feel judged, or that I remind you of someone else, and I can hear it and still be there with you through it.

You can be angry with me, and I won't let it harm the therapeutic relationship.

When harm is done, I will work with you to repair it.

This is a unique experience that not everyone has had outside of therapy, and we can go through it together.

What if I get too attached to my therapist?

My first thought is, "What is too attached?"

It's normal to become attached to a therapist, especially if you're in the middle of important work. The therapist-client relationship is incredibly important. There is none quite like it, and because of that, it has to be protected.

In order to be your therapist, I can't be anything else to you. I can't be your friend, your boss, your partner, or your customer. All of those relationships have needs and expectations that interfere with the unique relationship between a therapist and client.

Part of my job is protecting that relationship.

The therapist-client relationship can't be damaged because the client forgot the therapist's birthday or because the therapist criticized a work document. The client never has to wonder whether the therapist secretly likes one of their friends more than them.

It is a special bond, and it deserves protection.

It is perfectly normal and healthy to imagine what your therapist might be like as a friend, sibling, or parent. It's even normal to imagine what they would be like as a partner.

If those feelings make it hard to discuss your thoughts and feelings openly, it's important to talk about them. An ethical therapist will explain the same thing I have and help you explore whether those feelings are getting in the way of the work you came to therapy to do.

What if my therapist leaves?

It is really normal to have this fear.

There are times in treatment where it feels impossible to work on something until you know you are safe and that your therapist will be there while you're in the middle of unraveling everything.

There will be times in therapy when it would feel impossibly hard if your therapist left, and other times when you will leave therapy because you've outgrown your therapist and no longer need them.

Different therapists and different agencies have different opinions about this, which is why I encourage people to ask this question during the intake process. Some therapists intend to see clients for about ten sessions. Others see clients for years.

I can't speak for every therapist, but I can tell you how I think about it.

I take the therapeutic relationship very seriously, and once I am someone's therapist, I consider myself part of their therapeutic team forever.

I will refer clients to other clinicians if I believe someone else can help more, or if something is interfering with my ability to provide good care. Even if a former client is seeing a new therapist, I still consider them part of my therapeutic community and will make room for them on my schedule as long as I am physically, legally, and ethically able to do so.

We do have to address the elephant in the room. I may not ultimately be in control of whether I leave.

I hope I have many, many more years on this earth, but I've also made plans to help clients connect with support if something unexpected were ever to happen to me.